Monthly Archives: March 2017

Minimalist WebSite/Blog Design

One of my fundamental beliefs about mental health is that “doing” things is better than “thinking”. Creating a website that’s designed with thinking less in mind is a little like sharing a drink with someone and trying to talk them out of being an alcoholic. Incessantly reading other people’s thoughts is one of the hallmarks of an over-thinker. You read and read and read, always in search of a different angle or new answer to questions you’ve been pondering your whole life.

So, I asked myself what types of structural things on websites promote more thinking and how can I change that. Anyone whose ever spent more than 5 minutes on the ol’ interwebs has probably traveled down the rat hole of link surfing. So my first order of business is going to be to limit the number of in-article links. Hopefully you will only follow them if the need is urgent.

It’s also been my experience that the longer a post becomes the more likely it is to contain more than one primary point or idea. When that happens your brain begins to connect more and more ideas with your existing stash of ideas and they have, as James Altucher calls it, idea sex. More ideas are birthed and before long you are thinking too damn much and not doing. So my intent is to make posts as short and concise as possible. I doubt I will be able to prevent your mind from wandering but I don’t want to be an enabler either.

The last piece of the puzzle is a minimalist design and clean user interface. Distractions cause thinking. I will try to provide a clean site with very little in the way of bells and whistles to send that pea brain of yours into stimulative shock.

I’d like for this site to be like a smooth sip of tea, something that coddles the soul. I don’t want it to be jolting like a shot of Jaegermeister. Get the point and move on with your life.

On sexiness and aging

As I get older I see the pain and sadness on the faces of female family and friends as their bodies deteriorate. Taut skin starts to sag. Once smooth faces begin to wrinkle. Hair becomes gray and coarse. Posture suffers. Aches and pains cause a decline in activity.

For better or worse humans are obsessed with outward physical appearance as the only measuring stick of beauty and sexiness. We are conditioned to tie much of our self worth to our outer shell. Females endure this hardship far worse than men because of the historical vestiges of a patriarchal society.

I think there are many men, mostly shallow and insecure in their own right, who will continue to judge all women against an untenable perfection, against the goddess they have in their dreams. One whose only role is to fulfill sexual fantasy.

But that man is not every man.

That view is one of a single dimension. What about those of us who view sexiness in multiple dimensions? The physical and the mental and the personal. Intelligence, humor, courage, independence, self-sufficiency, clarity, curiosity, inner strength, and kindness are some of the important components for me. There are many others. It’s not a checklist. There are any number of combinations that work. But sexy, for me, comes with many of these options – not just one.

Sexiness in my world is not simply about lust in the physical realm. It’s about the respect and admiration of another, secure in her person, and resolute in her spirit. It’s not about what you wear, it’s about how you wear it. An “overweight” woman who walks with her head held high, smiling, with radiant confidence and self-assuredness, on her way to the philosophy section of a book store is far sexier to me than a ditsy 36-24-36 with all the latest medical improvements and runway fashions.

To be clear. I don’t abhor physical beauty (or plastic surgery for that matter). I just think far too much emphasis is placed on it. It is destructive to the psyches of millions. I don’t want a painting on a flat surface. I want a gem with many facets.

Ladies, as you age please know that not all men will be judging you on your body alone. There are those of us who choose to look at many other things. In fact, I believe that as I age, the importance of non-physical traits over physical ones will only grow for me. I am not alone.

Take care of your health, but know that includes all of you, not just the parts we can see. Sexiness emanates from your core, not from your skin.

Update: some people have misunderstood this to mean that physical chemistry is unimportant to me. This would be false. The physical aspect of things is important. It’s just the combination that is most important. I wouldn’t fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world just because of her looks and I wouldn’t fall in love with another woman who satisfied all the other qualities but that I had no physical attraction to.

Do what makes you feel proud

It seems that most of us spend our entire lives searching for a framework within which to make decisions. What is my purpose? What is the meaning of life? What are my values? What are my goals? Once we’ve settled on answers to those questions we feel as if we can use those as foundational pillars to make decisions moving forward.

Except most of those things are fluid. Your purpose may change many times as you age. There is no inherent meaning of life, other than the meaning you choose give it. Values will change with time as you gather experience, knowledge, and exposure to outside influences. Goals are ephemeral and come and go as they are met or forgotten. Making decisions with these things as your foundation will always be a moving target. It will cause confusion and anxiety.

I settled on a simple heuristic to solve this problem.

Decision: {insert any decision you need to make}

Thought: if I look back at my life at some point in the future, what decision would make me feel proud of my past self?

Action:  Do that.

 

 

Choosing Freedom, Embracing Anxiety

You are trapped between a desire for freedom, independence, and autonomy and the comfort and routine of safety and security. Freedom, by definition, means constant, mindful choosing. Freedom means all your decisions mean something. Freedom comes with responsibility.

The freedom to choose in every moment – how you will react, what you will do, what values you will choose to uphold, how you will think – and the responsibility that entails causes extreme anxiety for most people. When there is no one to blame but yourself…there is no one to blame but yourself. Your mental farm is devoid of scapegoats.

Your alternative is to cede your decision making authority to others. To seek safety and comfort under the veil of someone else’s willingness to embrace freedom. Should they choose incorrectly, it’s not your fault. You can complain and then return safely to the status quo lifestyle you’ve built. You can remain in that job you hate because it’s easier to stick with the same routine, even in misery, than to use your freedom and choose a different path. A path that may come with discomfort and uncertainty. One that could make a meaningful difference in your life or could make it worse. You’d rather not choose and not know than risk anything on the possibility of a brighter future.

In order to truly feel alive you must embrace the anxiety that comes with freedom. Acceptance of the weight of personal responsibility is not easy but, as with exercise, the more you do it, the easier it will become. You will learn to love anxiety because it means you are alive, you are choosing, and you are scared. You will begin to accept the weight of your decisions and lean into them, as a buffalo charges into a storm, rather than run from them and let the world around you decide for you.

In the end, isn’t it better to be alive with anxiety and freedom than to be dead while your alive without them?